TW: abortion and abuse
Vulnerable share so please understand the courage this took.
I to be honest.
Growing up, I never wanted to be a mother.
I was too scared. I didn't want to have a broken family.
I didn't want to recreate what I learned growing up.
I never wanted to be a mother because I was too afraid of having toxic relationships with the father of my child. I have seen too many hurt relationships and broken families. I listened to enough yelling growing up I knew what I was not going to do. I was abandoned so many times I didn't want to give a man that chance to do that to one of my own children.
The first time I chose abortion, I was only 21 years old.
Unfortunately, I have more than once, many souls knocked on my door, wanting me to bring them into this world, but I was not ready.
In February of 2022 I found out I was pregnant by my ex-boyfriend, who I was just now getting back together with after the fifth time of breaking up with, I was devastated.
I cried.
I didn't want to acknowledge it.
I didn't want it to be true.
Spirit told me this was initiation.
This is going to be my up level, that I had to do this. This soul chose us to be its parents. She was not giving up and has a mission for this planet.
My ex at that time, who then turned into my boyfriend AGAIN, wanted the child. He begged for me to keep it. We had already had this lesson two years before, and I chose to not have the baby. He wanted a family and us to be together, so I did it.
When I was pregnant there were many nights where I cried, begged and told God, source universe, whatever you believe in, that if this is how it was going to be to take her back.
The mental and emotional abuse, the yelling, the screaming, the fighting, this wasn't fair. I didn't want to bring a child into this world thinking, this is what love was. This is what family was.
I tried and tried so hard for many years with this partner, on and off.
We did therapy separate. We did it together. He was not ready to love me at the depths that I need, but the little girl inside of me was broken and begging for it. I tried so hard to get him to be happy, to live life, to heal and grow and do better for his daughter, for me, but it was never enough. I was on my hands and knees crying, begging him to get help and find joy in life so he could be a good dad.
Nothing worked.
Pregnancy, birth, postpartum was one of the hardest things I ever went through.
I won't get into all the long details of how much pain and agony I went through and the lack of support I never felt so alone in my life.
Inner Child healing was put in my face, in the forefront of everything I did. I realized how every relationship I watched my mom go through as I grew up was repeating right in front of my eyes in this one relationship. The toxic love, the fear and hot cold of being afraid of this person to loving them and being loved and just wanting this person to love you and choose you fully. To the trauma bonds, the toxic highs and lows to recreating the pain that I learned growing up, I realized there's more inner work I had to do.
As I held my newborn child and he yelled and screamed at me trying to take my phone, almost hurting me and the baby. I knew the end was near. The amount of times I had to call the cops for safety concern for myself or him towards himself was not ok.
I started therapy before I got pregnant, going to her because I was in toxic relationships. I kept going back and forth with this ex that then turned into, I'm getting back together with my ex to, I'm pregnant now.
She counseled me individually. She did sessions with us together. She did sessions with me once I finally left him.
But the thing was, when we were in a session, she asked me, "Chelsey, what would make you finally get away?"
I replied with, "if things got physical or if he cheated on me"
That was me manifesting my future to get me to finally stop this toxic cycle.
It also really hit me when my therapist looked at me and said "you were in an abusive relationship."
That's when reality of what I went through really set in.
I learned what mental and emotional abuse was.
For a wild woman like me, so deep into her healing work, and after all the things I've done and learned.
For this man to have tricked me, to love bond me and show me everything I wanted. He acted like somebody could finally love me, choose me and be there for me to then flip a switch.
He would become a completely different person and yell and scream at me in public.
He'd put me down and call me names, slut shame me and accuse me of cheating over and over again.
When in the end, it was him, six months after birthing his child, he's on Snapchat getting nudes from a married woman.
The years of abuse that I put up with from him accusing me of everything that he was truly doing.
The ones pointing the fingers have the dirtiest hands.
I knew that, but I was gaslighting myself.
I lied to myself over and over.
I broke up with him four times, and I went back five because I kept second guessing myself.
I kept overthinking it. I kept listening to his lies and the ideas of who he could be.
I learned a lot.
I learned what love is not.
I learned what I will never deal with.
I learned how to finally get away as I trusted my gut.
I finally listened to myself all my friends and family who told me to get the hell away.
But most of all, the courage to get away so that my daughter did not grow up to see this as love, as family.
I will not raise a daughter thinking that her value as a woman is pleasure for somebody else. I will not allow a young girl to grow up and think that what I was showing her with this love was what it truly is.
I finally got away because I didn't want her to hurt like I did.
How I was with a man who threaten me and threaten my life and to ruin my life. I cannot believe it. The way he turned into rage, said and did things I could not imagine, I finally got away.
After I broke up with him and kicked him out I had to get a protective order against him.
The father of my child.
I needed help to be protected from.
That blows my mind.
The order only lasted three months because I gave in and believed his lies again.
I needed his support with taking care of our child so I could work. I never want to keep a kid away from their parent, but he also had to show he could control his anger. He got on meds and did therapy, thankfully because I made him. But of course that's never enough.
As women when we have children to take care of, and no team there to help.
It's hard to stand up for yourself.
It's hard as hell to get away.
But it's also the courage you need as a single mother to provide for yourself and for this little child, to make sure they're supported, loved and taken care of.
The courage I found as a single mother to work harder, to show up, to have fierce boundaries, I now understand why and how I chose this partner.
My daughter chose this man as her father so that I can model to her how to deal with men who have narcissistic tendencies.
So I can show her what boundaries are, how to believe in herself, how to deal with gas-lighting, love bombing, lies and manipulation.
She chose me so that we can both know what mental and emotional abuse is and how we can break that cycle and not repeat it.
Myself, my mother, her grandmother.
We've all tried to fix men.
We all try to be that light.
But women are not the doormat for men to walk over. We are not the treatment center to rehab and put them back into the wild.
We are not here to help them be better, unless they actually want to be.
They need to choose it for themselves.
It never matters how much you give a person, what you do for them, how you love them, what you do for them, sexually, financially, in any manner. If they are not ready to step up and be the man that is needed, they will not do it.
Nothing you do, will make them be the person you need.
So, choose yourself.
Choose your children and break that cycle.
I haven't told many of the people about my previous abortions or shared this publicly online, it's scary.
You can judge me if you want for the choices I've made, but I'm grateful that it's my body and my choice. I wouldn't be the mother I am today if I tried to do this years earlier.
I do not have shame or regret in my choices.
I understand if you are angry or upset.
I honor and am sorry for the women who cannot have children. I wish I could give them the babies they desire. And I know for myself, this one wild child is enough.
I would not have gotten out of that unhealthy painful relationship if I wasn't doing it for the both of us.
I found courage to break the cycle for my daughter and for you.
To show you there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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